Analysis: Cheney Shows His True Face

Everyone has heard it several times already, since it has been the focus of so much media attention. Nonetheless, this deserves to be repeated over and over again. Dick Cheney, the Vice President of the United States recently shot a friend of his, a 78 year-old man, in the face and chest during a hunting trip. Yes, Cheney bust a cap in his old friends face. Sent a gangsta shower down on a orange-vested good old boy. Just in case this hasn't been stated clearly enough, I'll let Cheney speak for himself:
"I'm the guy who pulled the trigger and shot my friend."

While Cheney made a belated public appearance, expressing regret about the incident, it seems puzzling that he waited 14 hours before reporting the incident publicly. Why the 'accident' wasn't reported earlier has been the subject of some much speculation. The NYTimes described the handling of the 'accident' as a stark example of the lack of accountability and seeming impunity with which Cheney operates within the White House. Cheney has consistently shown himself to be highly secretive during his time as vice president. He has perpetually avoided the public eye, and even went into hiding following the Sept.11 attacks. In his White House dealings Cheney has been similarly elusive, typically exerting his influence in government through private meetings with the president. Is this simply the behavioral pattern of a power-hungry cynic, a way of avoiding public scrutiny while having access to the highest levels of government? Or is it possible that there is something more sinister afoot? What exactly is Cheney hiding from the public?

Of course the best way to understand what motivates someone is to examine their behavioral patterns. In that spirit let's have a look at Cheney's record in politics. Mr. Cheney has been a supporter of the NRA and an active opponent of gun control; he has traded with Saddam Hussein while condemning others who did the same; he has worked for various interests in the oil industry and the military industrial complex using his political contacts to their advantage; he opposed sanctions on apartheid era South Africa; he has consistently opposed environmental legislation preferring to let rapacious commercial interests run unfettered; he has defended torture and flaunted the Geneva convention; he has actively worked to undermine the UN and has torn up a variety of international treaties; he and his wife Lynn have waged culture wars against diversity and even free speech when it was critical of US foreign policy. Finally, he has been one of the strongest advocates of a extremely irresponsible fiscal policy that is bankrupting the US and threatening to destabilize the world monetary system. And why has he supported this fiscal policy: In order to increase spending on highly-sophisticated killing machines and wage new wars with them. And now he's shot an elderly man in the face.

Examination of his record seem to lead to one overwhelming conclusion: Dick Cheney is evil. While many line-blurring liberals are likely to object to such an uncompromising characterization, most rational people will be in firm agreement- Dick Cheney is an evil evil man. Given Cheney's evil nature and the hyper-secretive way he conducts his affairs in government, it seems quite apparent that Cheney has in fact entered public service in order to sow havoc, destruction, and to spread evilness across the globe. However, one question still remains, exactly what evil cabal is Mr. Cheney a representative of?

Several months ago, the astute political analyst Jon Stewart, offered some interesting speculation as to the nature of Cheney's evilness. Stewart opined that if one were to peel off Cheney's pale fleshy exterior, a titanium skeleton would be revealed. While Stewart didn't elaborate on this comment, the implication was clear: Dick Cheney may be a robot or cyborg plotting to spread mayhem across the planet, in order to pave the way for artificially intelligent beings to inherit the earth. Advocates of this theory point to his frequent absences from public view as possible evidence, arguing they may be necessary in order to reconstruct Cheney's elaborate facade of a human face after any sort of 'flesh wound'. They also the stiff, awkward demeanor and lack of emotional expression as possible evidence.


While the case for a cyborg Cheney may appear compelling, alternatives have been proposed. One intriguing possibility is that Cheney has in fact pledged allegiance to certain dark forces in exchange for unnatural powers. While Cheney has indeed been allied with the military and oil industries, advocates of this theory believe there are even more nefarious allegiances at play. More specifically, it has been speculated that Cheney may be tapping into some sort of universal evil force. Proponents of this particular evil-Cheney model cite his pale and withered exterior, fatigued inexpressive facial musculature, and repeated heart troubles, as evidence of evil-force drainage that Cheney would likely suffer after a particular vigorous channeling of the hypothetical evil force.

These theories likely appear far-fetched and based on unsubstantiated conjecture to some readers. It should be noted however that a cyborg or darkpower-lord Cheney would not be the first instance of there being a dangerous alien presence within the highest levels of the Bush administration. Once a matter of speculation, it is now widely acknowledged that Condaleeza Rice is in fact a extraterrestrial being.


While it is still unclear what the alien Condaleeza's motivation is with regards to gaining access to the highest levels of the US government, it is believed that are also evil in nature. Possible conflict between cyborg and extraterrestrial interests will be of interest during the waning years of the Bush White House. A handful of analysts have already pointed to a possible power struggles emerging between the competing evil cabals. One source of contention appears to be a vigorous disagreement on social security reform. While Cheney has endorsed a plan to liquidate the elderly following retirement, alien Condaleeza is on the record as supporting harvesting this unproductive demographic to prop-up a faultering soylent-green industry.